What have we learnt from the opening weekend?

Chelsea look…annoyingly exactly the same as
they did at the end of last season.

'I LOVE being a twat'

They scored
38 goals in their last 10 games of the previous campaign (including the 8-0 win
at home to Wigan in the last match). So if
their overall form throughout the season – 6 defeats, 5 draws and 86 points – didn’t
fully justify being crowned Champions in some peoples eyes, then 103 goals
surely did. And it will again this season if they carry on like they’ve started
in the 6-0 win (Drogba hat-trick and all) against West
Brom.

‘Scoring for
fun’ is something that is fast becoming synonymous with Ancelotti’s Chelsea,
however whether they can add consistency to that is still, on the basis of one
solitary win, completely unproven. Yet already, after that solitary win, we are
playing catch up! Well thank f**k we love scoring against the Geordie's.

Liverpool look…better?

'...tit!'

Well the
obvious and highly unoriginal response to that would be ‘not hard, is it?’. And
no after the debacle that was last season it really wasn’t too hard.

Having said
that, their passing and possession yesterday was actually not bad…especially
when you consider they were a man down for just over half the game. No Torres
either, who you’d expect to return to full fitness/goalscoring form sooner or
later.

Before any bemused United fans start violently throwing up at the bullshit they feel I am spilling onto their screens, I assure you I’m not
sucking on the Kop cock, nor jumping on the Hodgson bandwagon. But lets face
it, if it wasn’t for their spaz of a ‘keeper scoring a beauty for his apparent
best mates (‘the future King of Spain’s’) team, the Scum would have taken 3
decent points off an Arsenal side who will, ahem, surely do it this year…

Arsenal
look…as enigmatic as always.

Holes in
the back and goalkeeping errors (epitomised entirely by Ngog’s goal) are still overpowering
their displays and will thwart their progression…even though they do play ‘such
attractive football’.

Still, we
saw early flashes from Wilshere, Arshavin and new boy Chamakh to suggest that
when the likes of Van Persie and Fabregas are reintroduced they will undoubtedly
continue to be that annoying team that always pretend to be in the running –
you know, because of their ‘attractive football’ – but realistically never get close.

City look…genuinely
average.

Joe Hart: So good, that when he shits, he shits a Jermaine Defoe.

What an
absolute treat it was to see ‘The Projects’ first outing of the season fail
miserably. Citeh, who started with only
£50million of their summer signings (David Silva and £200,000 a week Yaya Toure),
not only looked tired and below-par in the attacking third, they were outplayed
and had their defence completely penetrated (that’s what she said!!! Sorry). Put
it this way: you know things couldn’t have gone great when every post-match
review included the line ‘if it wasn’t for the heroics of Joe Hart’ in the
opening paragraph.

So just a
few stats to chew over:

Possession:
55% to 45%

Attempts on
Target: 13 to 4

Fouls: 6 to
12.

…In
summary, if it wasn’t for the massively overhyped Joe Hart in goal (pretty much
all but one of those 13 shots produced conventional saves – yet low and behold,
the retarded media are creaming themselves over the greatest ‘keeper England
have ever produced), and of course those 12 ‘professional’ tackles, Tottenham could’ve
won it comfortably. Potential champions? ‘Massively!!’

Tottenham
look…better than Citeh.

And that’s all
that really matters.